Monday, 25 March 2013

making sense of it all

 I am going to allow you into my head for a moment, although I am not sure that is somewhere you would like to go, because there's confusion and a big mess in there. But join me, will you?

My husband and I are at a fork in the road. Two lives working out as one can bring its challenges, it brings compromise, but there's nothing like a good, long, emotional chat to show us once again, that we are walking side by side, and want to continue to do so, forever. Still my heart pulls me in a direction that his does not. And his heart dreams of things that mine does not. Is it possible to have it all? To live it all, together? I thought I was sure, sure of city life, sure of its security, sure of its predictability, sure of its comfort. Why then, for these past 6 weeks since putting a deposit on a brand new, quality built house which is oh-so-perfect inside, have my emotions hit rock bottom, have I felt this out of sorts, this kind of unrest, like none I have felt since we truly endured hard days, days of no income and toddlers in diapers, days in which we simply survived from one to the next. Could I possibly want a life less ordinary, less secure, days with hard physical work, ones that require an incredible amount of commitment, daily? Look at my bookshelves, and you'll see where my heart truly is. It's in family, in cooking, in Godliness, in mud and vegetables and chickens and horses. As I approach mid-life, a sense of urgency to avoid squandering the few days given to me, to us, husband, me, the two girls entrusted to us, grows with intensity. Living big, albeit simple, country living, seems more meaningful, satisfying, more grasping of what a life well used would look like. And it scares me, incredibly.

This beautiful house has more space than we can fill: four bedrooms, three and half baths, three family rooms, a kitchen and a coffee bar. Nobody can argue with the value of a new furnace, new windows, a perfectly sodded yard, common sense, really. Why choose an old, unpredictable farmhouse, which is far too small, and would need a messy addition. 

But oh, how my soul comes alive when I allow dreams to come flooding back in. Dreams of space, of barns full of life, of kids climbing trees, of my best friend enjoying a well deserved cup of tea with me overlooking our long days work, our hands tired but satisfied, the dog sleeping at our feet. 
 We've given ourselves one week to decide. Will our path take us to the right or the left, will we choose common sense or unpredictable. One thing is for sure:
Deuteronomy 28 promises us a future, one of a blessed life, and I know I can put my life in HIS hands, no need to worry here.

“Now it shall come to pass, if you diligently obey the voice of the Lord your God, to observe carefully all His commandments which I command you today, that the Lord your God will set you high above all nations of the earth. And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, because you obey the voice of the Lord your God:
“Blessed shall you be in the city, and blessed shall you be in the country.

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